Changing Him

From The Kay Way:

As I spend time with my younger female friends and hear of their relationships, it occurs to me that generation after generation we fall in love with who we think our mates could be rather than the real man who is standing in front of us. What a shame.

My comment: Very well said. In my case I married a man who said he was in love with me. I did change him. He had been agoraphobic but together we built a life where he was out at a job (which he still has and likes) we had our own apartment, I moved to the US so we could be married all legal and proper for the government. I wanted to be married too but it was not a romantic wedding for sure. After we married he kept changing. He began picking on me and alienating me. We had been friends a long time before he decided he was in love with me. When we divorced it was because he no longer wanted to be married, just over a year after the wedding. He is grateful to me for getting him out of his rut. However, I can’t say things turned out that well from my side of things. I moved back to Ontario with nothing and I felt like nothing too.

Sometimes in a comment on someone's blog you make a post that gives you some new perspective. I like to save those.

My family still think our marriage could have been saved. I don't. First, it does take two people to make a marriage work. Second, I never felt so alone as I did when I was living in that one bedroom apartment with him every day. I miss being married, doing things with someone and having fun. But, I'm glad to be out of that too. I felt dead inside when I came back to Ontario again. Everything I had felt happy about being married, working together with him on building our lives and all the pride I had in doing all those things was left in ashes.

It would be nice to say I did the phoenix thing and arose from those ashes. But, I have not. Over ten years later and I am still working on it. Time has helped. Distance, in time and space, has given me perspective.

I wouldn't say I feel bitter or even angry any longer. I don't think it's a regret. Though all the good things are deep in the muck of all the unhappy things. It's hard to remember them without looking through the glass with all the negative tinting the view.

I don't do the blame thing very much. I made choices and put myself there. I made choices and took myself out of there too.

I've learned more about men from those days and the days after. I'm never going to be a dating diva. But, I do know there are far more important things in picking a man than the shape of his behind or a winning smile or even how well he talks about himself. Those are good things to have learned. It's a shame learning takes so much time when our time is finite.

Don't You Wish You'd Had a Divorce Cake?

From the Divorce Drama blog. I like this one, looks like he fell down the stairs, surely, purely an accident. ;)

The irony of men and women and sex now that I am over 40 is that I don't need a man to have a great orgasm. They fumble around and do what some porn star did to herself... but they really don't have a flying clue. They just aim for the targets, the same targets every time. Also, they have gotten so bored in just playing with themselves that now they need games, BDSM or porn or whatever. I don't need any of that and I don't need a man to mess things up.

I can be reading something not about sex, not especially erotic or sensual and get those nice squishy thoughts and just slip my fingers down and operate my own lovely orgasm with light fingertip control. Much stronger orgasms than I ever had with a man. Even when we weren't having sex and he was supposed to be "doing me".

It is sad to read the personals when all the ads from men are just lonely jerk offs wanting someone to do it for them, more or less. They have nothing of romance or interest in developing a real intimacy. Even if they say they do, they usually lie (to themselves or to you).

I think there really is no hope to find a man over 40 who wants to have something more than a screw. I'd like to find someone to date, go away for weekends, go grocery shopping, go out to movies and have in my life. But, none of these screw me types will do. I don't need them to have an orgasm and since that is all they are offering (offering, not actually guaranteed they are capable) there is no reason to waste time on them.

Maybe some guy will drop out of a tree, one who actually does want to be close in more than just sex, but I doubt it. I still try now and then but I'm really getting tired of men in general. It doesn't matter what they look like, what they do, etc. They all seem to be just one giant flaming penis. Which, for me, makes them unnecessary. Do you think, if men were a species (rather than the other gender of our own), they would be extinct by now? I wonder about that.

Kicking Around the Dust Bunnies

There are several crafty related projects I could pull out and get back to work on, rescuing them from the dust bunnies who have been keeping them company since my divorce about 5 years ago. Kind of sad to admit it has been five years and doesn't it seem that using the divorce as an excuse for anything should be limited to just one year, not five? Anyway, that's how it is.

I'm going to take a photo of the Raggedy Ann in progress and see if that doesn't inspire me to get back to work on her. She has a face, I think. I seem to remember doing the embroidery way back then. I did find my old sewing box and her and her pattern and such inside of it. Once upon a time I even had a really nice and simple pattern for a teddy bear. Not that I have any kids to give them too. My neices have more toys than they care for as it is. My nephew is 12 and probably would like anything I made for him but is likely too old for stuffed animals and far too boy for a dolly, even if Raggedy Ann and Andy are classics.

I guess I could sell them but that seems crass. I don't know why. I guess it's to do with appreciating finishing (if I finish it) one of the many projects I have started. I have so many things like this I no longer want to take on anything new or make any kind of promises to anyone. I would like a responsibility free life. But that isn't practical and would be kind of boring and lonely too. So, plug on.

Divorced and Devious Divas

I don't know why divorce popped into my mind this morning. I don't think about it very often. It's interesting that most people will say something like "got rid of him, did you?" when you are a divorced woman. They assume things were a certain way. I think this is due to the changing roles for men and women. Women are out there working, they come home and do the house stuff and the kid stuff and then the husband stuff. There isn't a lot of time for herself and the husband stuff has to come last, after job, kids and house (in whatever order each women puts those). If she's lucky, she has a modern guy who can take part in the kids and house file, and even understand she needs time for herself, just as he does. I don't think it works out this way very often in reality.

Most of the time, I think women assume "she got rid of him" because he was not an asset. In fact, he became one more job rather than her partner.

My own divorce wasn't like that. I don't feel comfortable writing too much. A personal relationship, is personal. He was the one who first said the 'd' word, so I guess he got rid of me in fact. Not that things were going well at that point, for either of us I guess. I thought he was happy enough, I just thought he was always mad at me. He stopped speaking to me for several months. I had been trying to find a way to leave, get out of the situation as I was pretty upset all the time.

I remember the van I looked at and considered buying. Understand, I had almost no money. Some leftover wedding money from my family and some from the telemarketing job (the only job I could find and which I was later fired from), that was all I had. Not enough to buy much of a vehicle, plus gas and such for getting it anywhere. Anyway, I wish you could see this van. It was hilarious. The bottom (floor) of the van had rusted out. I planned that I could put down wooden boards or something to become a temporary floor for moving everything back up to Ontario. It was so funny though. I remember how you could see through the van to the ground below. What an interesting drive that would have been. Driving along and watching the road fly away below your feet. It was a nice big van though, not a minivan, a real cargo type van. Maybe it would have worked. But, I decided against it because if the floor was that bad what might the engine be like? I definitly could not afford repairs. At times I wish (now, when I am not in the situation anymore and things are somewhat stable and safe) that I had tried escaping with the van. It's one of my 'road not takens'.

Anyway, my husband woke up beside me one morning and told me (finally spoke to me) that he didn't think either of us were happy and we should do something about that. He didn't mean do something about staying together and making things work.

I guess I should have known. When someone tells you about divorce plans the first week you're married you should expect they aren't too interested in the marriage. Maybe that was why he became abusive, not physical really, just saying mean things and leaving me out, making me feel like I didn't belong. Complicated to explain it and I don't really need to, it's my blog. :)

So, that was it. For him things went along smoothly. He paid for the divorce which was fair cause I paid for most of the wedding. I paid for the immigration to the US, at least all the stuff I had to do with the US government before we were married. I paid for my costs to move to the US and my costs to move away from the US. I think I am still bitter, a little. I don't think about all of it that much. There is too much going on in the present to spend time thinking about old stuff.

I do think about that rusted out van the odd time. I wonder if it would have worked.... Now I'll never know. :)

I knew someone, somewhere would thought of (and used) a great title like Divorced Divas.

Other stuff I found:

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. - Submitted by Lois Misiewicz

A woman sits down next to an attractive man on a bus. She says "you look just like my 4th husband". The man replies, "Your FOURTH husband, how many times have you been married?" "Three" the woman replies.- Submitted by Jeff Poirier

A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time -- did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked. "Oh, no, not divorce," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce." - Unknown

Ex in the City - Empowering women to move from Ex to Extroidinary!

Life After Divorce - An article by Margaret Manning.

Divorce and Women

EX SO - Send an ecard to you ex signifigant other.

Exes from Hell

Revamping the Hope Chest

Is 40 too old to have a hope chest? These days women are remarrying after divorces or just starting out later with the whole marriage and family values ideal. We have careers and then think about children. Some of us begin with a family and career second but are side tracked by divorce or widowhood. (Whichever comes first?)

I don't think the hope chest is a tradition which should be forgotten or left to those younger ladies, fresh out of school, all dewy and cute. Women should never give up hope and a good chest is always appreciated. Have a hope chest party with your friends and see who has the best ideas to stack the hope chest.

Consider revamping the tradition. If you know a woman beginning the dating thing again, show her your faith and give her a cedar chest. It doesn't have to be some costly antique, any decent chest will do. Cedar works cause it smells nice and prevents your linens being eaten by moths, at least in theory. You can always add cedar or other pleasant smelling sachets to the chest to make it smell delightful each time it's opened. The chest should have a top shelf which is removable and under that is the larger space for the traditional hand made linens.

We can revamp that too. Instead of hand embroidered lacy pretty sheets how about lacy, pretty lingerie. Include the sheets, tablecloths and quilts too, she'll need those after all. You can also include personal and special items: Christmas ornaments, glass flower vases, a piggy bank with cash, favourite books or CDs and so on.

The top shelf of the chest can store photo albums, greeting cards, scrapbooks and anything else she might like to take out and look at between the dating scene and the marriage deal. The tradition was to give her things to make her new house a home. Think along those lines. Include gift certificates to stores where she can pick up home appliances and other goodies.

Keep in mind she will have plenty of her own keepsakes and trinkets which could also be put into the hope chest. Leave her some storage space in there too. By the time everyone has finished loading it up with new things and old things that should be one heavy hope chest. Full of hope and good wishes for a new bride whether she's 20 or 40.

Divorce Decision Making Process

Reasons You Aren't Starting the Decision Making Process

This was a good article. Funny how there is such a little pin prick of a point in time when you actually make that a final decision and go on from there. You may consider it, sort of decide and ponder it over for months but when you really do decide it's just a flash of time and then you don't go back.

As messy and gaping wound feeling as the whole thing is, I think everyone feels just a bit better once the decision is really and finally made. It gives you purpose, you know what direction to head in rather than trying to decide and spinning your wheels.

Good luck to everyone who has gone or is going through a divorce. I never knew what it was really like until I went through it. I wouldn't say I'm really through it yet but I'm heading in that direction.