Family Events and Druggy Kids

It's my sister's 40th birthday today. We are packing up and heading down there for spaghetti dinner, salad, (which we haven't made yet) and wine (my brother is bringing that). After dinner she likes to play Canasta, a card game. We will see what is left of her Canasta cards (2 fancy decks made just for that game). She has been letting her two girls play with them. The two girls who have been trained to never lift a finger to do anything, including putting away cards. I am sure there will be missing cards. I know there are actually. Last time we tried to play cards were missing from one deck.

Anyway, I am going because it's a birthday and my sister never forgets my own birthday. But, I know it will be another day of babysitting, cleaning her house and cooking for them all. Family get togethers are never the way they look in the movies.

I will see Zack. Maybe find out what drugs they are putting him on. I doubt the "sleeping pills" are actually sleeping pills. It is so strange that we went through all those years of anti drug campaigns and now people are all putting their kids on drugs. I think it is an easier way to deal with behaviour problems. Just drug them up instead. Keep them quiet and well behaved by doping them up. Where does it end? How will it end? No one really knows. I wonder what kind of people they are making this way. Likely, they will all be drug addicts, used to coping with anything by taking drugs rather than relying on themselves or getting any other kind of help.

Facebook Horoscope for Today

Laura,
You are thinking about the deep mysteries of life, the world, and everything. You may be turning to the older members of your family or community for advice and insight, because you are feeling confused about your personal, social or cultural values.

Even the Facebook application knows I am wandering through the deep, thick woods of my own brain these days. I have become entangled in Facebook games, far too many of them and far too many hours spent there. Although, half of the time spent is just waiting for the games to load or move from one screen to the next (which is also loading in the technical sense).

This is what I wrote in my Facebook status just now:

It's a bit gross how much of these Facebook games I am playing lately. I used to see real stuff on my profile here. Now it is all game spam. I need a change. I need a break. I need a lot of things and the only one who can do anything about it is me.

Yet, I will be there tomorrow, feeding the llamas, picking the cherries, scaring the bear, etc. I need a new obsession.

Life Would be Easier as a Psychotic Bitch

My brother has been after me to call Revenue Canada for ages. I did today. I am on the phone with the woman trying to identify myself (who can remember half the old stuff they ask you?) and he is yelling and swearing at me to get a supervisor on the line instead. First of all, I was handling things and in spite of all his mouth, I did get it sorted out. Secondly, I really did not think it was at all ok for him to be saying "fuck off" and such while I am trying to hear what the woman is saying. I was really upset. I really don't know why he has to do that. He does it to me almost every time I am on the phone. He does not have the excuse of Tourettes or anything like that. He just seems to think it is ok to curse and swear and talk in his normal to yelling voice, directing me in what to do and say. I hate making any kind of phone calls when he is around. It is a miserable experience. Of course, in the end I am the bad guy because I got really fed up, gave him the finger and took the phone to finish the call in my bedroom. He is upset that I gave him the finger. My Mother even mentioned it, "Graham said you gave him the finger." It is ironic that he told me several times to fuck off and that doesn't seem to matter at all. That is something I have never figured out. I should have started life out being a complete bitch, it would make everything so much easier to be a selfish, psychotic bitch.

The Under Achievement of Niceness

I feel like I'm a bitch every time I'm not nice. Not even nasty, or mean or anything like that. Just not nice. The under achievement of niceness.

It's pretty silly living in my head. I wish I could get out sometimes, just a little vacation would be nice.

There are Days When...

Getting back to this personal blog again. Which means I will need to fix it. I have a bunch of broken links from the last time I moved things on my web host. I should also give it a change from the Spring daisy look, considering how much snow there is outside today.

But, today I already have a fairly good work load and don't feel like doing much other than hiding indoors taking care of myself. I've got one of those shingle things again. Making me feel all over yucky and my eye is sore. I really need to get out to deliver paperwork and buy milk at the grocery store. I wish it was a short trip to one spot for both. But no. That would be too nice.

I am trying to think how I can accomplish everything in one place anyway, cheating in a kind of, sort of, way. I could mail the paperwork though it would arrive late. I could skip getting a coffee while I am out (though I have not had a bite of anything all day and I am getting hungry even though I don't feel like eating). I could just go to the grocery store which is right on the bus route. If I rush the shopping I can meet the bus as it comes back on the next lap of the route and then I don't need to pay an extra bus fare to get home.

But, it's cold outside and I'd have to rush into my coat and boots to catch the bus now. Well, really, I have about 15 minutes, give or take due to snow and ice on the roads. So, really I do have enough time to catch the bus. I should stop being such a lemming and get out there and do it. I'm not even standing up yet though.

There are days when having a personal slave sounds like a really good idea.

Part of my Charm

Here I am, soon to be 45 and I can't decide if I'm a witchy wise woman, a courtesan or a 1600's era virgin, possible nun. I don't know if I still blush but I feel self conscious and guilty every time I share my naughty thoughts, ideas and stories. As if that's not something I should be doing. I would think at this age, after having been married, I would be beyond that. I guess not. Maybe it's all just part of my charm.

Hermitized!

When you really think about it some of the stuff we cook/ bake is really kind of odd. Who ever got the idea to wrap fruit up in sugar and dough and then bake it for an hour? If you had never eaten a pie, would that sound just great and delicious to you?

We will be doing the Canadian Thanksgiving this coming weekend. The pie baking has begun. From Friday until sometime late on Sunday the house will be full of people. Times like these make me wonder if I was really meant to be a hermit. I know I'm not the social butterfly type. But, I never feel more like disappearing through a crack in the floor than when I am surrounded by family. Mostly they mean well. Mostly they don't feel any need to censor themselves. Mostly they seem to look at me as if I'm the goodie goodie version of the black sheep of the family.

Anyway, enough about that.

Would you like to be a hermit? I think I would not like the grubby part of it. I'd rather have a shower, a hot one. I'd rather have lovely scented soap and shampoo. But it would be nice to be alone. There is something about being alone that makes me feel myself.

Steamy and Dreamy

It's been a really long time since I had an erotic dream, about ten or more years. People seem to write about sex as if they are doing it daily, depending on what kind of site you are reading. I'm more like a born again virgin. Anyway, I was surprised to have a steamy dream. The man was someone I know but now that I am more awake I can't remember who he was, just a dim kind of feeling that it was the body and personality of someone I know. Kind of odd.

Of course I don't remember all the details. But, it started out in the backyard of a house with a long yard. He was doing some kind of work and I brought out liquid refreshment of some kind. We got talking a bit. He somehow mentioned dating and his lack of "friends". I scoffed and said I had even less friendship of that kind. He was nice and said that was surprising. Then he touched me in a nice, friendly way. I looked at him and smiled or something, can't think of what happened but we went inside the house and then inside the bed and then he was inside me. It was nice. That kind of comfortable, smooth, cuddly sex where you feel valued, even a little adored.

When I woke up one of my nipples was hard. That is only interesting because I've come to think of them as pretty damn lazy these past dozen or so years.

So a good time was had by all. I went back to sleep and the dream continued a bit more, but no sex just talk of doing it again. Probably a good thing I can't remember who he was. I wonder if it is connected to the fact that the first boy who kissed me died recently. My Mother noticed the obituary in the newspaper, it had a current photo of him. It's been on my mind a bit since then. We didn't date or anything remotely like that. I went into his backyard with himself and another boy. I don't know why other than the fact that he invited me over. I didn't hang around with the boys in school, I didn't date or really have much interest in them until a lot later, in high school. But, he pulled me close and kissed me. It was a nice kiss. A surprise. He phoned me a few days later (more or less) invited me to his house again. I didn't go. I was a whole year younger than everyone in my class and a whole lot behind them on the boy/ girl thing. Anyway, now he's dead at 45. It said suddenly deceased so it wasn't that he had cancer I guess.

I guess that is at least part of why I had the dream this morning/ last evening. It was a nice feeling while it lasted, to be close to someone again. I do miss that part of sex. (Be honest, the rest we can do ourselves and likely better anyway).

So that's my blab for the day. Outside to pick tomatos now.

Tired of Being a Nice Grrl, Yet Again

The nice grrl curse, another one, is that you can be so angry inside of yourself and keep it all trapped in there cause it's not polite to spew and besides you know no one really wants to listen to all that stuff anyway. But there it is, boiling and bubbling and just wanting to find a teeny crack somewhere to blow up like steam from a tea kettle. But I blocked all the cracks a long time ago. When you're nice you aren't allowed to be angry. Others are, just not you - the nice one, the oldest one and all that blabberwort.

I think it's what makes me barely sane at the best of times. Just holding all that rage inside and not letting it seep out. It's not easy.

I do have a minor vicious streak though. Thank whatever for black humour. It gives you the option of being evil and yet laughing about it like you're just kidding even when I know I'm not. Well, half kidding take it or leave it.

Why can't I have magical laser vision and send a beam of light out to cut down the men who tick me off? Think how simple that would be. Quick too. Not quite bloodless and yet not hugely bloody. Kind of tidy as a way of killing off the population of men. Only those who can't behave like human beings which seems to be a lot of them. Most of those who engage in online dating. So much lies and bull. So much talking through their penis. Just cut the damn thing off so we can talk like adults.

I don't think I ever will find someone to get old with. That really sucks cause I spent so many years becoming the perfect growing old with person. I read all the right magazines. I always come out on top on those relationship quizzes. So were did it all go wrong. It's so unfair. I don't think I ever really had a chance.

Men suck. In general.

Looking and Flying

Things are getting to a normal sort of keel again. The sinking of the ship is on the backburner and I'm feeling like I can cope again. 

I met the new tenant today. He is still scruffy looking but seems at least an average sort of guy. The doorknob on the back door broke while he was moving in and he replaced it. I take that as a good sign. Shows respect for our home and taking responsibility. There should be a door on the joined area this coming weekend. He mentioned that too, saying it was nice to have some privacy rather than having to be friendly all the time. It is nice to be able to not be friendly when you choose to.

I did notice an odd thing. The window blinds on the back bay window are all missing their sticks that let you turn the venetian blinds open or closed. I know they were all there before, I know I opened and closed those blinds before Christmas several times. So where are they now? Weird, why would anyone remove all three of them? 

The downstairs guy had Rogers installed. Made me feel concern for our nice new electrical panel. The electrician had nothing good to say about Rogers and their installations. I will be glad to be rid of them for myself at least. Hope the install they did today hasn't mucked all the work up. They had all my services off for most of an hour during the install for downstairs. No notice or apologies and did not even let me know it was all back on before they left, they just left and said nothing at all to me. Not very good. 

I am catching up on Doodle Week. Don't know how to get more interest in that. It has been winding down for sure. I will figure out something now that I have most of my difficulties fixed up. Will be glad to have something pleasant and creative to put some focus into. 

I drew the above picture while thinking about nothing in particular. After I thought it was interesting that I came up with that. If you think about it, you can take it two ways. One, to look where you are going, the basic plan. Two, it does hurt to crash into something you could have seen ahead. It made sense to me at the time, when I first had the thought. I think something is lost in translation now. :) 

The Down the Drain Circle of the Days of Our Lives

I feel like I'm made of broken glass. I don't know how I will keep my patience babysitting for a weekend. I just will, somehow. Though one of my sister's daughters just seems to rub me the wrong way and she's only six. So you can't really do much about it.

Today the repair person was out for the washer from Sears. It's going to be another week without a clothes washer. He is bringing a part out next week. I have a garbage bag halfway full of very wet and heavy laundry which got wet but not washed. I will lug it around to my sister's house and was it there. At least I'm saving water, bringing most of it with me. See how green you can be when you really put your mind to it!

The new tenant is moving into the new basement apartment tomorrow. I don't know how that will be. I only saw him for a few seconds once. My first impression was that he was a scruffy looking young guy. There is no door to keep him from coming upstairs into the rest of the house. Why is it that my brother who enjoys pulling cons and talking about ways to take advantage of the system is so shockingly trusting when it comes to something like this? If you meet someone once and they don't try to kill you off or something that means you can trust them with everything you own. I just don't see it that way. If I wake up and some guy I don't know is standing over my bed watching me sleep I will not be polite about telling him to vacate the premises.

Also, we now have the basement empty of everything we had stored down there. One small room which has the water heater has some storage. My brother has gone bananas though and tried to get everything out of there too. So my bedroom is now full to the rafters with as much as I could save from him. I don't want everything in the garage or thrown out, thanks anyway. I did tell him/ remind him that we do still have the water heater room and can put some things in there. So some of it went back down there again. Mostly some antique furniture and a little of the Christmas stuff. My Xmas tree however is in a well ripped up box and shucked into the garage where I know mice will be nesting in it. I will be so eager to put that tree up again, NOT.

My bedroom light seems to have gone out. I won't even mention it to him cause he will just start yelling at me again.

He still wants to put all my yarn in that basement room where I won't be able to use any of it cause the plan is to only store stuff down there that we don't use often. So that the basement can be left for the tenant. But, if he keeps putting everything I own down there I will be going down there often or just giving up on everything, which I feel really close to doing at this point. I know it is just being stressed out, feeling trapped and being told what to do. Things I have never liked or tolerated well. Usually I just stay quiet and choose my battles. But when it is forced on me for months and months and years... I am getting a bit crazy at this point. I feel like I don't actually have a place anywhere. I really want a place of my own, where I can live. I think I will just go nuts the way things always keep going.

Probably there are people in the world who wouldn't be bothered by any of this and wonder what my problem is. But that isn't me.

At least I have a nice coffee again. I was using a generic French Vanilla from the PC grocery store. It used to be ok, it's not ok any more. I won't buy it again. Even the Second Cup coffee doesn't seem as good as it used to be. Maybe it's just me and the broken glass feeling which seems to be sinking into every cell of my body. I hope coffee starts to taste good again when some of this is over.

I caught up most of the bills, had payments on everything but Rogers. I cancelled Rogers cause the Internet is like high speed dial up. I tested it out and I really can read a few pages of a book while I wait for each site or page of a site to load. Why would anyone pay $150 a month for Rogers service? They really messed up the phone too. The cable seemed ok but I can't find the channels I want to watch. With Bell I was able to set favourites and search through only those channels. Made it much easier. I'm glad I will be starting again with Bell next month.

I hope I am home for Doodle Week, staring on Monday. I don't want to see that die off. Been hard to feel creative or anything. But I don't want to give up on it.

By Monday most of the stuff will be done. Sears will fix the clothes washer. The apartment will be rented and whatever will be will be with that. Graham, my brother, won't be coming out here almost everyday complaining about everything I do or think or dare to say. I even have Rogers handled, for now, I think. I explained that I'm not employed and paying Rogers isn't a priority. After all, what does it matter if you have Internet and cable if your power has been cut off. Stupid big company bastards.

I do want to find a job. Well, not really. I really don't want to be listening to anyone else wining or making rules any more. But I do want a pay cheque to spend on bills and the odd latte. I could really start doing work for that BOTW site. I want to, I just can't seem to settle in and stick with it. It doesn't help that my room is so full of clutter right now and I'm wondering what else my brother decided to throw away.

Anyway, I don't know when they are coming but they should be coming soon to pick me up for another round of babysitting. Just two days of sleeping on the broken couch and then I will be back here. Makes you have a whole new appreciation for your own bed, no matter what else is going on in your life your bed is always there, waiting for you to snuggle in.

Saving my Insanity for Keanu

I feel like I'm not quite living on the planet along with everyone else these days. I'm daydreaming more cause they are such simple things. Instant pleasure, no complications and completely under my own control. (I can do all kinds of things with Keanu and he is quite happy about it all).

In reality... I have bills stacking up (I don't owe anything as of this month but next month they will all slide together and start attacking me). I don't have any income. Which is really bothering me as far as that whole bill paying thing.

Can you believe a Keanu Reeves movie just came on?.. Sure I'm watching the Space Station, have been most of the night. But what an odd coincidence. He always has good timing in my daydreams too.

Anyway, back to reality. I have the option (if I can figure it out) to retrain and have the course paid for. I have to figure out where the course I want to take is and how long I can manage to go back to school. Not just time and money but the fact of being back at school when I'm about to turn 44.

There's another little dose of reality, 44. Not just a double digit but repeating itself. Would be ok if it were 33, that doesn't seem so bad. I can't hide from my birthday now that it is nearly December.

I really don't like job hunting. But, there isn't another way to get another job. I really don't know how I can do another customer service job. I'm so burnt out on all of that. Just makes me cringe to think about doing all that again for another company, another location and through the Barrie winter too. Bus rides are just not that popular when the snow is up past your knees and the bus routes tend to get shut down each time it snows really hard.

In general I'm dreading having to make all these decisions. Still have the excuse of gathering the facts. But that can't go on for much longer.

Whatever happens will happen though and I will be here to see it. Sometimes you can pretend you are just on the sidelines to your own life and look at it with the nice shiny rose coloured glasses. Makes it a lot easier and saves you extra stress. I do that a lot. Keanu doesn't mind.

Dragging a Corpse Around for Fun

I give the impression of a living person quite well. But I'm actually brain dead. I picked up something not very nice from my little nieces when babysitting and helping with the birthday for the 4 year old on the weekend. Now the back of my head is sliding down my neck, or I wish it would so I could get rid of this dragging head ache. Not that I'm whining, much.

I'm having a lot of fun and adventure with the communications here too. Last week I was offline due to a modem being fried. I changed to Rogers. Now I have everything possible hooked up in my bedroom with wires and cables all over the fricking desk and floor space and even running right in front of the TV screen. I don't think it is right that I am paying $150 a month for this fricking mess. I hate the clutter.

Also, I do not see how the phone line was working before Rogers arrived and by the time they left only one phone jack works in the whole flipping house! Of course it is the phone jack in my bedroom. I started with two power bars which let me have space for the computer and TV and radio to be hooked up here. Extra space was there so I didn't feel I was sitting in the middle of a fire hazard. Now, it is so plugged up wtih stuff that I had to move my radio and not have it at all. That is just not right. Bloody Rogers.

Now I have to phone and bitch, Bitch I mean - with a capital B. That is not easy for me. I'm nice. I am understanding. I don't bitch.

So unfair. I have to be up at dawn to see if I can get into a workshop which was already booked up. If someone doesn't show up I can attend. But I feel dreadful and don't even want to move my dead brain and body into the shower.

On the bright side... I did get WordGrrls.com pulled together, mostly. I just want to do something else with the blog skin. Need to figure out the code to convert blog skins to the code for b2evolution. Or just customize one of the skins I've already found and test driven. I am liking b2e though. I think it is not hugely different from working with Blogger once you get over the different dashboard look.

Must drag my corpse into the shower now.

The Leaning Trap and Assorted Babblings

It's funny how we can all be such a mix of things. I strongly feel you should not kick anyone when they are down. I also feel it is very important to smile at people, for no reason. It is so much easier to be negative or discouraging or critical than it is to be positive, optimistic and supportive. Yet, one negative comment does more damage than one encouraging smile can ever fix.

Yet, for all that I don't have total patience with people who don't seem to want to help themselves. I feel bad about this, nice girl syndrome. But, in reality, it's good to keep yourself from becoming a total doormat for the world. You can not help everyone and you should not try. If you can give someone a boost that is a great thing. But, if someone wants to begin leaning on you, walk away quickly. Do your best to be nice about it but you can not have another fully functional adult leaning on you. It just pushes you down and then... when you need some help you are all alone. That is the worst, most awful, deeply sad feeling. I have been there. I don't want to experience it again. I guess that helps me be careful and take a hasty retreat rather than sinking to nice girl syndrome and making a doormat out of myself.

I used to be a very good doormat. I was politely limp and quietly sinking into oblivion. I didn't like it there.

They used to say people in North America could not understand how Europeans had such attitude and joy for life. They said it was because North Americans had never experienced a war. We still have not, not really. A war has not been brought to our very doorstep. We aren't afraid to walk to school or work or the shopping mall, looking up or around, wondering if someone is about to drop a bomb or start shooting everywhere. Maybe in some very urban areas, but not for most of us.

However, I think going through a divorce is like surviving and battling in a war, right on our doorstep. How much more personal and intimate can a battle be than between two people who have not only been intimate but partners in life?

My divorce changed me. For awhile I was stronger but I think I have lost some of that. I have a bitterness in me that was never there before. I don't always like it but it does help. It gives me that warning bell when I am falling for someone's story about how they need to lean on me. I'm less likely to be leanable. That's a good thing cause I deeply do not want to be responsible for anything. I don't want to be at fault for anything when something goes wrong. I'm at fault for enough without looking for more. I even feel I'm at fault when no one is actually blaming me and there is not even any way (realistically) that whatever happened is my fault. I'm just used to being blamed, being leaned on in one way or another.

A family is like a line of trees growing in a forest. When one parent is abusive I think it makes all the other trees grow stunted. The trees closest get more of the stuntedness. The little saplings farthest away get a blunted edge. I was the first sapling in the row, it was a sharp edge and it cut deep.

Anyway, I started thinking about this because I was told I should help someone when I did not want to help them. My bitterness radar went off. I know this person would like help and thinks they need it. I don't believe it is the right thing, or the best thing, for me to do. I don't want to be leaned on and this person could do the task if they just straightened their spine and walked without leaning.

Yet, I caved. When someone else told me there wasn't any reason I couldn't help this person... what's wrong with me that I've become so critical and bitter? I say people should "just get over it" yet I haven't gotten over much of my own stuff myself. Aren't I being hypocritical? Maybe I am. But logic doesn't always apply.

Besides, people who are overly analytical just drive me bonkers. Everything doesn't have to have a reason. The facts don't have to all line up nice and tidy. Sometimes you should just let the illogic rule you, let the wind take you and don't be responsible for any damn thing you don't have to take on.

Just Another Day of Talking to Machines that don't Listen

I'm working on my scanner. It doesn't like it if I put the paper on it in a certain way. It takes real offense if I put any paper too close to the hinge in back. Having made the mistake of doing so a few times, most recently as very early this morning, I have tried to remember not to keep committing this grievous error. I don't have that great of a memory, sadly.

So I am working on getting my scanner to be happy and functional once more.

Meanwhile I am reading blogs, dropping on Entrecard blogs and commenting on all the blogs as I think of something remarkably useful and wise. So, not all that many comments as you can guess.

My nephew Zack is staying with us awhile. He is beginning training to be a lifeguard. They say 12 is a great age to start taking the courses as there are several and he could easily be done by the time he is 16 if he takes one or two courses each summer. Zack is a great swimmer and he is the one who got his Grandmother (not me, remember... the Aunt, not the age of a Grandmother yet) to over come her fear of the water.

Anyway, just a few minutes left before he goes to his class for the day. He is actually going in early today to put in volunteer time teaching the little kids to swim.

Looks like the scanner has come to it's senses again... err... I mean it will honour me by working now.

Text is Crawling Out of my Keyboard

It's been quite awhile since I really wrote anything. Laziness? Possibly. I do think of things to write. Then something else distracts me. For instance, I am still working on a post for Thursday Thirteen. Kind of sad that is it now Saturday in some places in the world, 11:48 PM here. I'm trying to work on an article about rural exploration, which I actually wrote last year, wrote again a few months ago and have spinning around in my head again this week. I'd be so proud to see not only my article but my photos appear in one of our nationally well known Canadian publications, Canadian Living or Chatelaine. It's a lofty goal perhaps.

I went out on a couple of dates and didn't mention a thing about him. The first date was nice and I had hope for good things to come. I was wrong. He is ok but did not really show an interest in getting to know me. I asked about himself and he really only talked about a few special interests and did not answer about little things (not so little to me) that I wanted to know. Then we had a second date where he had to end it early for work, which was fine as he works on call. But then there was nothing except an email invite for kinky play.

I really want a relationship where I don't feel I'm alone, again. What is the point if you don't have someone you can talk to and know he is listening and actually cares about what you say? Maybe I will just never find anyone at this late stage in the dating game. All of the men I have tried to meet seem to end up in the same boat. None of them want to get to know me. I really want a guy I can spend time with, out of a bedroom. Don't men want that too? Sure I like sex and in past relationships (all two of them) I have lead in that area. But, I want more! I want romance! I want to be courted and have flowers brought when I get picked up. Yes, Eric did that once and that was lovely. But... it ended with me alone, abandoned without explanation. I had to tell him I was giving up on him and then he said something about why he had given up on me.

Anyway, relationships and dating posts are boring. Really. Aren't they all about the same? Do you really expect to find some great long lasting insight among all this space sucking babble? Good luck! I don't have anything figured out. When my life is perfect I'll get back to you with all those omniscient answers.

Tomorrow we are off early (early for me) to Elmvale. The town is a giant street/ garage sale. We are on the hunt for a summer bike for Zack, the 12 year old giant nephew. The boy is taller than I am now. Not right to call him a boy but he still has that boyishness and since he won't ever be in my age generation without the use of a time machine... he is stuck being the boy for awhile more at least.

Of course, I'd like to find another abandoned farm house during the trip.

Sadly, I am pretty much unemployed and having to watch my dollars. I found a $20 I had forgotten in my wallet yesterday so that was kind of sweet.

I do not want to get another job. I am sick of working. I just want to sit here and blog, write, watch brain killing TV (soap opera afternoons) and take road trips. Well, a few other things too but that's about it. I'm sick of customer service type junk. I'm so tired of obeying rules. How did old fashioned women stand taking the marriage vows knowing they were owned and had no rights. Even their children did not belong to them. I think it is strange that women went from primitive (though I think primitive is in doubt if they were bright enough to have a Matriarch) matriarchal societies to being servants in their own homes. How did we allow men to have the upper hand like that?

Doesn't it seem that women really do have a lot of power, in life. In the space of approximately nice months we cart around a new life. In that time we can decide to keep that life or let it go. Drastic yes. But, in some cases a woman should think of her own self preservation and that of the child to be born into the same world she lives in.

Although, I really don't think things between men and women should be about power. Or who is greater, etc. We need each other. In cases where men and women understand that I think the relationship can really flourish. So, here we are back to that dating thing again. Ick!

I should be shutting the computer down. It's been making more noise than it should be. I keep wondering what it is that is running against my wishes or directions. Windows has really evolved into a little monster. You never really know what the MS creature inside your computer is doing. Likely eating sections of my hard drive on a whim.

It is getting hotter tonight. I thought it was decent all day. Warm and muggy outside but I hid in here under the fan all day and it just seemed breezy to me. Now it is after midnight and it seems the heat has leaked into my sanctuary. I'm anti summer when it comes to heat and humidity. I'd rather have a snowstorm, a blizzard would be just peachy too. The only redeeming feature of summer is the greenery and edibles, peaches come to mind right away. I was thinking of peach pie yesterday. Nothing like peach pie made at home.

Well, this should be enough babble for anyone to read. Likely you are all drooling over your keyboards or shaking your head in an effort to keep your eyes from closing. Wake up and get a fresh coffee or get to bed. Nightie night blogging people.

As the Software Updates...

Setting up Mom's computer to be on the wireless home network. Have to find a way to make the hardware/ software compatible with Windows Vista. The guy at Future Shop said it would be fine. But, seems I returned this same hardware to WalMart cause it didn't work. Yet it cost double the price at Future Shop. So, even if it does work I may return it and go back to save $50 by shopping WalMart. Kind of sick that they would have such a huge price mark up at Future Shop. But, will make sure it actually does work first. Haven't even told my Mom about that side of things yet.

Also, woke up this morning still thinking about a guy at the grocery store last night. Funny thing is that I never even looked at him. Just noticed his hand reaching down to put the divider thing on the conveyor belt. Said thanks. Then noticed him turning my cereal box so he could read it (I assume). After he was gone my Mom (we had a shopping day together yesterday) said he was really good looking. I hadn't even looked. But, I've been thinking about that little bit of time over and over. It will make a good story, when I get writing it.

It also made me think about writing something about romance. My sister has been on my mind too. Not the one with kids but the whiskey drinking, soccer playing, single redhead. She doesn't seem to notice guys that like her. Seems to think it is just a co-incidence that a friend calls her on Valentines Day. Duh! Some people seem to be Romantically Challenged. I thought that would be a good name for the column/ blog/ whatever. But, it couldn't be a daily. I don't have that many romantic thoughts rattling around in my brain. Weekly could be do-able. I took over a romantic topic for a very short time on Suite101.com once. Before things went kind of silly there and I gave up on the network.

Off to find software updates...

Sunday Itchies

I'm itchy with allergies to or from something today. I don't know what. If I had enough cash I'd order something delivered for lunch. But the bank account is low and the cash is lower. I bought bus passes after work last night and that's going to be my last spending spree until pay day this Friday.

Last night at work I was thinking about how I'm a big fan of clock watching. I count down the half and quarter hours till freedom. One job I had the boss got really angry about clock watching. But for me it keeps me sane to know how far away escape is. Maybe I'm just not the type to work for someone else, all the rules. I seem to be able to handle a few rules but get to a limit and then just screw everything up.

I found out something interesting at work, unofficially. I don't think I am in as much danger of being fired as I had assumed. I mean, usually when you are told you will be fired if you screw up once more you figure that's what that means. Last night at work an email was sent around saying the average for everyone is only 63%, about the same as my own. So, I'm not bottom of the barrel, I'm just average. I can still be fired. Maybe it's not such a pressing issue as I had been thinking.

I just finished reading a book by Kassandra Sims. I'm not sure if I liked the story, a little too much blood and murder for me. But, the most annoying thing were all the typos and totally fixable mistakes which a proofreader could have caught. Maybe Tor can't afford to proofread their books. At one point the main character was not there yet her name was substituted for the other character in one sentence. Made reading the book and understanding the plot very tricky. I was ready to stop reading before I was halfway. But, Kassandra Sims is a Canadian writer and I felt I had to get to the end. The end was a let down. Just kind of ended, a lot of blood and murder and then it flopped down like a fish out of water. At least it's done and I can start something else now.

Plastic Suspension

Don't feel like posting anything, no drawing either. I have been having trouble at work for awhile and today I was given a 3 day suspension. Not for making trouble or being bitchy on the phone or anything else you are likely to come up with. I'm just not being a smooth operator, using all the right scripty goodness when I handle calls for the tech support.

Anyway, I've been a bundle of nerves and upset for weeks now. Tonight I just feel like I'm not crying. If that makes any sense. But, on the bright side I do have two days off. They counted the half day at work as my first day of suspension. I go back on Friday, work Saturday and then have my week of vacation. Funny timing.

I know they don't want to fire me, I'm very good on the phone. I just don't seem to have a knack for fitting in all the scripted elements. The plastic stuff that is just what the marketing department tells them we should say. But, that's life in the modern age. A lot of artificial plastic. Stuff you can't recycle, can't even hope to out live and stuff that you can't even burn without making a big stinky environmentally hazardous mess.

I think I am going to go out to the bookstore. It's a long bus trek and I don't know if I will be able to get to sleep very easily tonight but I put off doing it on my day off before cause I was trying not to spend the extra money. Now I just need something to take the edge of my madness. I feel like a puppet who just had all her strings yanked on too hard.

Update: I'm getting back up on the err... dust bunny. I don't have anything as big as horse. I still have tomorrow off to fluff up my ego and see if I can go back in there and change things. Thank you for all the comments. Thanks for not making me feel like a whining fool. I really appreciate that.

A Green Bouquet

This was in an old Martha Stewart Living magazine. I've been trying to clear up some of the clutter around. Lots of magazines, I always seem to buy every Christmas issue of just about everything published with glossy pages. It's a sickness.

Anyway, I liked this green bouquet as a welcome to December. I've found a couple of sites (online game sites) which are doing an advent calendar project this month. Take a look at Neopets and Kingdom of Loathing to see them, you will have to join the site to get in there and see it. Likely other sites are doing something. It's a great idea for getting traffic or keeping it. But, hopefully they had more than that in mind when they started it.

I have chocolate advent calendars to take to my nephew and neices but will have to wait till I can get out there. Who knows when. I'm sure they won't mind. All those extra chocolates they can eat to catch up.