A Touch of Agoraphobia

I was back with my Mom for a few days, over the weekend and a bit. My sister and her kids came out for Victoria Day, a bonfire and a picnic in the backyard. My Mom talked often about dieting, losing weight and so on. Which I really have heard enough. She told me how I am the prettiest of the girls (her three daughters) if only I were slimmer. If only.... how many times have you had a compliment qualified like that. I think it becomes meaningless if you add 'if' to it.

Over the afternoon they asked me to take photos. Which is fine, my sister has a camcorder and several cameras but she never seems to bring them out for taking pictures of her kids. I like getting some pictures. The kids won't be little for very long. Also, nice to have their Grandma in pictures with them. So, I took photos. Zack and my Mom used my camera too and got photos they wanted. The only thing I didn't like was being in the photos myself. My Mother (being a Mom) wanted photos of me as well.

Yesterday I set up the new computer and was then ready to upload all the photos. I hate seeing myself. When you don't look at yourself you can think you look ok. But seeing photos you know just how gross you look. So I've been a shut in for the last two days, not wanting to go out, be in public, visible to all. I tried to get out today but the weather has become hot out (cold still in the basement apartment) so I couldn't hide under a jacket and then I just decided not to go anywhere.

But, I can't live like this and keep doing this to myself. So, I am making a break for it in the morning tomorrow, early. As early as I can so that I have the excuse of the chilly morning to be wearing a jacket outside on another day that is going to be an early summer scorcher. The plan is an early breakfast and then a trip all the way downtown. Once you force yourself to get downtown with all those perfect people you can get over the intimidation. At least it has worked for me in the past.

Funny/ sad how you can get yourself all wrapped up in what other people think. When in reality I'm nothing more than a passing thought to anyone who notices me.

Maybe moving to Barrie, back to the outback of Ontario will be a good thing. I'm just not someone who fits the city lifestyle, spending big money on drinking and clothes isn't who I am - or who I want to be. My sister fits in well and has friends and things she does on the weekends. I don't. I tend to make my own weekends by myself. Before I go I'm going to get to the ROM and get a few more urban exploration photos.