Measuring the Broken Bits

From all the many things my Dad used to say about me I ended up believing I am broken in some way. I've wondered what it was that is so wrong with me that causes me to have so many problems and become all the things he accused me of being long before I was even in high school. I'm going to be 45 this December. So it has been a long time since those days. My Dad died a few years ago even.

It was only yesterday that I finally did wonder if I ever really was broken at all. I've felt there was something elementally wrong with me for so long. Never understanding what it was or how I could do anything to fix it. I've looked for answers. I thought it must be my problem and did not want to talk about it.

I've given up on so many things cause I believed once something went wrong that it was just my damage catching up again. I never believed in myself to really give myself a chance to succeed. Being broken I was doomed to fail somewhere along the way. I did keep trying things though. But, it wouldn't be long before I would know I had done as much as a broken person like myself could ever manage.

Dad said a lot of things to me about who I am, what I look like and what I could expect to become. He told me I was fat and ugly and scarred when I was not even chubby and just a child with a little exema. I've seen photos of myself and I know I was none of those things then, I was pretty but I just couldn't see that when I had him insisting I was hideous.

Dad told me no one would ever want me. So, I was happy when I married Todd, my friend. Then, I went into kind of shock when we divorced and yet, I could only watch from the sidelines too as Dad was proven right again. Trying to date never worked out for me. I can see now that I probably put people off because I felt so down on myself, so unworthy of anyone and so unsure about even trying to find someone when I was broken anyway.

All those years of believing I was broken. I still have not shaken it off but I'm peeling off the edges, like a sticker on a tomato. The tomato is so much more than the sticker but who would want to find a sticker on the tomato in their salad.

I still don't really know where to go from here, with this new idea. Not even strong enough to label it knowlege yet. I have not told anyone. Just wanted to take some time to clear it through my own brain and write it here. To think it over a bit more as I type.

So much wasted time. Here I am nearing 45 and I really wanted to have a family of my own and children. Mostly the children and yet the person to spend your adult life with (if you can find someone you want to be with) is invaluable. I am not likely to have that now. Women my size and age are not in high demand and I'm still that damaged person,who needs to stop feeling unworthy and different in a not great way. I went through 2 decades of my life barely speaking to anyone. It left me quiet (which you would not know if you have only met me online).

Anyway, putting this here like a time capsule. A blog, if you keep it long enough, is a great way to measure your life.

Baby toad

Baby toad
Originally uploaded by Seeking~Zen

I miss seeing all those baby toads. We used to have masses of them each Spring. None at all any more. You know something has to be wrong when things change that drastically in less than 10 years.

Twitter: Verified Accounts

Twitter is doing a Verified Account thing for celebrities using the service. Is this practical for them? Do they really want to be found? Some do I'm sure. I don't think I would. I'd like to be able to talk to friends or just use it anonymously, not being spied on and judged for every least thing I type.

It is nice for people who want to follow celebrities. I admit, I did look up Keanu Reeves this past week. Didn't find an account I thought really was his. But, how could you really know, unless it is verified. Keanu Reeves is likely to have an anonymous account, probably wouldn't even use his full name. If he was even on Twitter at all.

If he is though... he could Twitter me for a little conversation.

Celebrities on Twitter. Try the link, beware, it's kind of addicting and mind sucking. Like hearing a conversation at another table or three.

Would you Like a Cheshire Cat/ Dragon?

Well, once again we've come to the time to blab.

Tonight my brain is tired. My best thought is that the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland is like a cross between a cat and a dragon. I think the Cheshire Cat would be my best choice as a pet, other than a goldfish swimming outdoors in a pond. You just can't go wrong with either of those. They don't really need anything from you/ me in this case. With the Cheshire Cat however, you have the added bonus of a creature that lives to cause trouble and be generally irritating in a good, even helpful way. You just can't find any other pet that enjoys tormenting you. Try to beat that with some drooling, slobbery dog that wants you to pick up it's poop.

I am tempted to play Maple Story now. Zack and I were playing it often this week while he was here. But, my brain really does think it should sleep. Silly brain.

Are you Digitally Distinct?

Interesting concept. But the silly thing about this is that I don't use my full name online. So it's kind of pointless.I may try it with ThatGrrl. But it's getting kind of late and I could be playing online games instead of sleeping.

Twitter Viral Spamming

Twitter is losing some of your followers and giving you others you don't want. I've had two Twitter posts for porn sites. I don't (and have never followed either of them). Still, they were able to post to my account. I went to their account and blocked them. Twitter claims they investigate account which people block. I doubt they have that kind of time in reality. But, still, it is something you can do with evil intent and hope Twitter does do something about them.

Mashable has a post about this. They focus on Twitter followers being lost. For me this isn't a big issue as I don't follow a lot of people so I would likely notice if one or two of them disappeared.

Zack Says Hi

My nephew, Zack, says Hi. He was looking over my shoulder a few minutes ago. Likes to see his name come up on my blog and has been known to count how many times he gets mentioned.

Zack is all of 13 now. Zack is getting a few zits, I bug him to wash his face more. Today Zack helped me cook dinner. Zack played a hockey computer game with Simon, who lives in the apartment downstairs. Zack helped us unload his Grandmother's concrete bricks from the trunk of her Honda Accord which my brother Graham says is her pick-up truck because she treats it like one.

Zack is having vegetable soup now. His half-way to midnight snack. Zack has been going through a hungry stage this weekend. I've checked for gnawing on the furniture but so far we have had enough food to keep him away from the wood. We are going out for breakfast with Zack tomorrow and will pick up more groceries then too.

If you are thinking Zack is like a mutant hampster to be gnawing on wood... you are wrong. He is far too big to ever be confused with a hampster or guinea pig or other such pet rodent. Right now Zack is probably trying to get Maple Story to load again. It has been freezing and stalling the whole weekend but he keeps trying. I think Zack has more patience than I do, at least when it comes to a computer game.

Good night Zack. It's 10:30 now, shouldn't you be getting your shower and going to bed?

Hand Drawn Web Design Resources

Hand Drawn Web Design - Making a list of sites I have found regarding hand drawn web site templates.

Flickr: Hand Written Blogs - Not just the template but the whole blog.

Tutorials:

We are Not Freelancers has a video tutorial: Technique for creating a hand drawn website.

Talk Mania created a hand drawn template and has a guide to what they did to get there.

Web Designer Wall also shows their process in making the current hand drawn template.

Go Media Zine shows how to turn a hand drawn sketch into a vector illustration.

Resources: (Most are geared to using PhotoShop).

Webitect has links to resources and a few tips for designing.

1st Web Designer has resources for using PhotoShop as well as fonts anyone can use.

My Ink Blog has examples of templates and resources for making your own.

Design M.ag has template examples and resources.

Design Reviver has doodling and other resources for making hand drawn templates.

Snap 2 Objects has sketches, doodles and other hand drawn elements.

Hongkiat has 40 hand drawn fonts.

Examples:

Smashing Magazine writes about the trend to hand drawn websites and shows their top picks.

Hongkiat has 50 hand drawn template designs picked out as favourites.

Outlaw Design Blog showcases 30+ hand drawn websites.

Blog Spoon Graphics has 50 Inspiring Illustrations in Web Design.

Create Who You Are Blog has a few more designs reviewed.

Pick Our Bones in Peace

I'm watching National Geographic, about lions. Lions in Africa and Asia are dying out due to the human population who keep crowding them and killing lions for killing livestock or attacking people. The naturalists and scientists are working on high tech solutions, considering cloning some of the remaining lions so the species doesn't die out.

Isn't the whole thing kind of crazy? A low tech solution would be much more practical and sensible. Why are people allowed to take over so much of the planet, like parasites on the Earth? We have so much population that people are starving themselves in areas where they can't grow enough food to support the population. How can people have so little control and yet expect we have the right to kill off other lives just because they are animals? Just because they get in our way?

Isn't the loss of habitat for animals an early warning sign for ourselves? How far will over population go before people clue in and really do something? When all the available space is gone will we just move to another planet, another host body to suck dry?

It's frustrating watching shows about large carnivores. They are most preyed upon in the over population game.

Also, the more large predators we kill off the more the more the scavengers like pigeons, rats and cockroaches can take over. Cause they learn to live with people, even in deepest, darkest, urban environments. They learn to live off of us, our garbage and our silliness has people out there feeding pigeons while others are killing lions, wolves and polar bears for being in the way. So that in the end, can you see us killing ourselves and leaving the planet to the scavengers who can then pick our bones in peace.

Reading Non-Fiction

As I posted to Twitter:

Everyone knows people who read non-fiction are plotting to take over the world.

Do you read non-fiction?

Personality Cluster

A quiz from Soulfully Blonde.

Your Personality Cluster is Introverted Thinking

You are: You are objective, honest, and credible. Intellectually curious, you have many diverse interests. You are more inclined toward ideas than people. Fiercely independent, you are unapologetically unconventional.

What's Your Personality Cluster?